If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
