Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
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