What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
