I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
There's even glitter on my cock...
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