My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
