I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
