New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Randomize