Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
