mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
This house was built for laser tag.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
