If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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