Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
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