Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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