Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
