The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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