I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
