the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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