Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
MIDGETS
????
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Randomize
