come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Randomize
