What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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