I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
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