How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Send us your Text From Last Night!
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
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