I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I am naked and annoyed.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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