i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Randomize
