Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
