got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
