dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
