In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
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