non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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