Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Randomize
