when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
