i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
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