my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
