tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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