I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
