Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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