Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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