Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
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You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
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