Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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