If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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