I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
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