he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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