I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
