My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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