I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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