So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
