He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I stole a fireplace last night.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
