i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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