Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Randomize
