My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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