don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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