Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
