Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Randomize
