They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
