break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
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