Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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