they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
