you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
