One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
