this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
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I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
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He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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