i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
ttyl tear gas
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
