Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
