so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
